


Ink in the Wind- Blood on My Hands

by ELISE_ELEVEN



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Badass Ben, Battlefield, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Dark, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gray Jedi, Gray Jedi Kylo Ren, Hopeful Ending, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sex, Jedi Rey, Lightsabers, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, One Shot, POV Ben Solo, Pain, Parent-Child Relationship, Post-Episode Nine, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Redeemed Ben Solo, Revenge, Sad Ending, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, Tragic Romance, Violence, death avenged, exiled Ben Solo, seriously this is gonna hurt, this is sad-for real, this is your last warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 03:44:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17317457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ELISE_ELEVEN/pseuds/ELISE_ELEVEN
Summary: Ben Solo, no longer dark-sider, or light; but both, exiled after the battle that saw the down-fall of the First Order, has been living alone on a distant planet for over fifteen years. Rey, the only woman he's ever loved, has only visited a few times over the long years. It has been a very long time since he saw her last. It has been too long.A peaceful night turns to storm and a feeling worse than dread creeps up his spine...





	Ink in the Wind- Blood on My Hands

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains a major, major character death. If you are sensitive to this type thing, I would not advise continuing. You have been warned. 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy.

I’ve been writing a lot lately. It helps, I think, to write things down. There is something about the feeling of parchment beneath my fingertips and the sound of quill and ink gliding across the surface. It’s soothing. Only when I imprint my thoughts onto something, can I finally let them go. Strange how that works. With every scrape of my pen, I scatter my thoughts to the wind. 

My thoughts have been on my father a great deal of late. Not with regret or guilt, I learned long ago that helps no one, but of the things he said that I never understood until now. Through daily meditation, I have only begun to remember all the things he tried to teach me when I was young. Oh, how he would talk, as I sat upon his knee in the pilot seat of the Falcon or on the edge of my bed as he tucked me in, thoughts flowing out as quickly as they came. Perhaps he wanted to tell me as much as he could before it was too late. He never had any connection to the Force, but I wonder if he could still sense how little time we had left. I sometimes wish I could have stayed in those moments a little longer because the older I grew the less he talked and the less I listened. 

He grew weary and quiet towards the end. We are alike in that regard; the older I get, the more I find the value in holding my tong. I wonder what he would have done if he were in my place. I wonder what he would say to me if he were here now. 

My father isn’t the only one on my mind these days, my mother is there also. She comes to me when I see a great full moon, or when I feel closest to the Force. I may be more like my father, but I have only ever been my mother’s son. We understood each other, even in the days just before my fall to the dark side. The last time I saw her before that fateful night, she’d sat me down and cut my hair herself, threatening to take a razor to my head I ever let it get so long again. 

She would be horrified if she could see me now. I smile without hesitation, lifting my had to touch the long dark strands that have grown to shoulder length. Smiles come easily to me now, in my home in the rock, deep in the hills, away from another living being. I didn’t have to train myself, as one might suppose; one day I found a smile on my face and I decided to let it stay. 

Does it bother me that I know my mother has the ability to visit me, but doesn’t? Sometimes. On the nights when I am not just alone in presence, but in spirit, I call out to her. But just like she could not bear to come out and watch as Chewbacca led me into the Falcon by a heavy metal chain, on the day I was banished; she never appears. I have not seen her since when, fifteen years ago, she came to me through the Force to tell me she had passed. I’m not ashamed to admit I have never wept more in my life. 

And Rey, Rey is always on my mind, a constant presence as close as a heartbeat, as much a part of me as the blood in veins. I cannot see a white daisy on a hill, or watch a sun rise, or tighten a socket bolt without being reminded of her.

Her skin smells like sunlight and starlight all at once; and when I told her so, she laughed and said “that isn’t possible”, but I replied that I had never known anything to be impossible where she was concerned. A smile as wide as the galaxy split her lips and she pressed her nose into the crook of my neck. “Well, you smell like a very sweaty cave man.” 

With a growl, I wrapped my arms and legs around her naked body, catching both wrists and tickling her belly. “Seeing as its your fault I’m so sweaty, I’ll make sure to rub all my nasty sweat all over you. Then you’ll smell just as bad.” She had squealed and kicked, but I’d held her tightly. I wish I’d never let go. 

The last time I smelled her skin was seven years ago. It was a much more somber reunion. There were already tears on her lips when I tasted them for the first time in five years. I had tried to ask what was wrong, but she would not let my mouth from hers for a moment. And I needed to her too badly to stop for anything. 

I had laid Rey down on the cot I’d built with my own hands and stripped away every thread keeping our bodies from melding. There was no knowing which heart was hers and which was mine, who’s tears we tasted, no place where my mind was not connected to hers. I made love to her in the moonlight and she made love to me at twilight. 

At the first light of dawn, Rey pressed her thumbs to my eyelids. “Don’t open them. If we don’t watch, the sun will never rise.” So, I kissed her palms and kept them closed. 

It was then that she told me what she’d come to say. Rey had married Poe Dameron, three years earlier. She’d had a child, a son. They were a family. I would be lying if I said my heart hadn’t died in that moment. She clasped my face in her hands and told me she didn’t love him, that she’d only married him for companionship. They didn’t love each other. They both loved other people who they could never have, so they married to keep from being alone. Rey had wanted a child but didn’t want him to grow up without a father. It was the best solution. 

Weeping, she told me she had only ever and would only ever love me. She begged me to understand and to forgive her. “There’s nothing to forgive”, I whispered into her lips. I did understand. I never wanted her to be as lonely I was. “I love you, Rey and nothing will ever stop that, no matter what happens.” 

Like a prayer, like a word too holy to be spoken aloud, we made love one last time. Inside her mind, I told her all the words for love that hadn’t been created yet. And she said I love you in a hundred different ways. She gave me her heart and I gave her my soul. Rey didn’t make any promises; we both knew she wasn’t coming back. My eyes never left her until her ship disappeared into hyperspace. 

If I regret one thing about my life, it is that I didn’t know I loved her until all time had run out. 

The night is cool, and the sky is clear. I sit on the stone steps outside my house, the ones that lead down to the plain below. With a careful hand, I wrap up each piece of parchment and settle them and my calligraphy tools into the metal box where I secure my important items: cloth from my grandmother’s gown, a vest of my father’s, the crystal-less, broken halves of my family lightsaber, Rey’s arm wraps, and an ammunition shell Chewie gave me long ago. 

By the time I’ve secured the latch, the winds have shifted, taking on a chill and intensity. It whips the hair into my face and the clothes around my body. When I turn my eyes back towards the full moon, I see clouds moving in from the west, like an army of shadows. I clutch at my robes as they whip about me, threatening to blow away, and stare transfixed at the transforming sky. There is a distant sent of rain. Shadows race across the earth, cast by the clouds above. Time to retreat inside and build a fire to keep me company through the storm. 

Suddenly the world is pitch black, a cloud has blotted out the moon, and all the hairs on my body stand straight up. My senses tingle as all the noise is sucked out of my ears. My own breathing is the only sound, echoing inside my head. I know this. It has been many years since I have experienced it, but I know it. Something worse than dread begins to creep up my back bone and through my veins. 

There is a scream, distant but penetrating. A wave of pain hits my body, so real that I double over with the force of it. I try to suck in air but seem to have lost the ability to breathe. Pain is white hot behind my eyelids, but not my pain. Hers. 

“Ben!” Her voice is half scream, half sob. Rey. 

“Rey!” I yell. “Rey, what’s wrong? Rey, speak to me!” I cannot see her. I can only hear her cries and feel her pain. Something is very, very wrong. Her voice is pure desperation and fear. There is no way to measure the weight in her voice. “Rey, listen. Tell me where you are. I’ll come to you!” 

“Ben!” Someone is hurting her. Someone is hurting Rey! Anger mixes with the terror filling my throat. The pain rolling through my body is no match for unmeasurable need to protect her. I force my body upright and blink the spots from my vision. My weapon is in my hand before my feet hit the first step, the lightsaber blasting a hole through the wall of my home. I leap down the hillside like a man out of his mind, barely keeping my feet from falling out from under me. Sick, I feel sick with worry. The fact some creature dare place a finger on her and I can do nothing to stop it, nearly makes me spill my stomach. 

“Rey, I’m coming! I swear. Hold on!” She doesn’t answer me. Why doesn’t she answer me? All I can hear is her sobs and shuddering breaths mixing with the pounding of my own heartbeat. Almost there, I’m almost to the bottom. Another stab of pain radiates through my abdomen. I fly off the path and roll down the remaining steps, my head knocking jarringly against the stone. I am filled with a pain and exhaustion that is not my own and my head swims. But I climb to my feet and stumble across the clearing toward the cave that houses my ship. 

Rey’s voice is only a whimper now, as I climb into the small freighter. With fingers that were trained just for this, I flip switches and levers as fast as possible and employ the Force to set the overhead buttons. I’m off the ground now, in a wide arc towards the stars. All the while my own internal voice screams at me to hurry, hurry. Please don’t let me be too late. 

I don’t know where I’m going, but when I jump to lightspeed, I reach out towards her, that place where I feel her through the Force, and let it guide me. Hurry. Hurry. HURRY!

There is the planet, I see it in my mind’s eye. I’m close, Rey, I’m close. The ship drops out of lightspeed with a jolt and I angle the ship’s nose toward the surface. It’s a volcanic planet. Great veins of lava crisscross the surface like a spider’s web. The clouds that hang low above the earth, glowing orange with their light. 

I plunge through the cloud layer and approach the ground at full speed. No time to land, I hold the controls steady with the Force, I open the side door and wait until we’re skidding along the ground. Just before the nose of the ship collides with a small rock formation, I jump from the doorway and hit the ground hard, rolling several feet before climbing to my feet. Not far now. Her presence is stronger here. She’s very close, just a little ways to the east. 

With no regard to my sore limbs, I bound across the terrain, jumping pipes of lava and piercing through clouds of steam. Adrenalin and panic carry me at a run that would have been impossible to keep up without it. 

I feel her pain ebbing away and a calm settling over her mind, and I take that as a good sign, until I get a feeling so irrefutable and correct:a I know in this moment she is dying. I feel a hand squeezing at my throat, but I have no time to collapse in on myself and loose my mind in a spiral of fear. I must only run and make it to her side. And once I do, I will use every last bit of my strength to hold her together, to keep her alive. “Rey, please, please, hold on. I’m coming. I’m so close! Please, hang on just a moment longer.”

Her voice is no longer loud or anguished. It is as quiet as a whisper, as a breath. “Ben, my love…”

No, no, no, no. Force, please! Dear Maker, make this not be happening. “No, please, Rey. Don’t leave me.” I reach out with imaginary hands towards her where she lies in my mind, as if to wrap her in an embrace. 

I can almost feel her breath on my face. “Ben, my love. I’ll be waiting for you.” 

And she’s gone. 

I extend to that corner in my mind where she has always been ever since the first moment I saw her. Where that glowing orb of sunlight, always a pulsing warmth in a corner of my mind always lay, I find emptiness. I find darkness… and I fall inside. Darkness swallows me. My body is thrown to the side as my soul falls backwards into an endless pit of nothingness. I have no need for breath. My heart will never beat again. I have no use for these things if they cannot love her. Loss is too small a word for what I feel. One does not feel loss when they lose a limb, they feel violated and empty. A part of me has been ripped away and I feel the separation that is worse than death. Let me follow then. For even if I do not make it to the place where she resides, a thousand years of torture would feel like nothing compared to this. 

What point have I if not to love her? 

Revenge. 

Of course. 

My final act shall be to avenger her.

Those who have taken her from me will feel now feel the molten fire of my wroth. No one piece of their bodies shall be joined to the other when I am finished. And I will still not stop until even their ashes are ground to silt beneath the heels of my boots. Weather they be man, or woman, or child, or creature; weather they be only one or one hundred thousand, I shall not be restrained until every last one is wiped from the face of the face of the planet and their names have been buried so deep that not a soul will know they existed. 

I open my eyes to sand and soil. My body lies prostrate on the rocky ground, face buried in the earth. With purpose in every movement I rise from my would-be grave. I have no heart; I have no soul. Those were stolen from me when she died. I have only fury. 

Like a man possessed by one thousand bloodthirsty Sith lords, I race across the earth. I do not run or bound, but fly over the ground, feet barely touching it. With the reckless abandon of only one who has nothing to lose, I race over the rough terrain, leaping from one rock formation to another. My foot never slips, and my posture never wavers. Nothing else matters but this, only this. 

I am only slowed in my path by the sight of the ship that was once the pride and joy of my father. She looks old, the years etched into her skin, and weary. The Millennium Falcon. I too, old girl, I whisper to her. Soon we shall both be laid to rest. 

I am getting close. 

There are thirty of them, clad in makeshift armor with only blasters at their sides and spears in their hands. They stand in an alcove of formations, lit by intermittent pits of golden lava. They are talking to one each other in Basic, joking with one another and sharing a bottle of brown drink. They do not see me, as I creep just above their heads. 

Like a beast stalking its prey, I slink to the edge of the rock ledge. And then I stand. I loom above them like the angel of death. My robes swirl around my body at a blast of hot air hits my face. Hair whipping around my head, my eyes glow with unadulterated wrath. In my left hand I clasp my saber, but I don’t really need it. I am the grandson of Darth Vader after all. That is who the galaxy has wanted me to be. So be it. If Darth Vader is what they want, it’s Vader they shall have. 

I pounce. Igniting my saber, I jump down from my perch, into their midst. Time freezes. I bow my head and draw all the power from the light side and the dark side of the Force. Inhale. Exhale. Power spasms through my veins. It matters not that they speak Basic; I give them no chance to utter a word. 

Three heads have been severed by the arc of my saber before any one of them can reach for a blaster. Two are ripped off the ground and slammed into the rock in the same moment. My blade arcs up to cut another in half as I flip backwards to avoid a laser-tipped spear. Blasters out and all aimed at me. My saber falls from my hand and I lift it to shield myself. Twenty green bolts freeze in the air around me, quivering like a swarm of insects. With a flick of my fingers, they all impale themselves in the three men to my right. 

I drop to the ground to avoid another round, rolling head over heels and retrieving my lightsaber. With the power of the Force two men are yanked off their feet and thrust into one another. Their blood spatters the ground like rain and sizzles off the boiling lava. Two men are relieved of their legs below the knees by my crimson blade and are thrust backwards into a pit of lava. 

Another round of blaster bolts scream through the air towards my head. I flip backwards into the air, avoiding most, but catching two in the thigh and one in the shoulder. I do not feel them. They are inconsequential. They are nothing compared to the pain I already feel. Another laser spear catches me off guard as I land, and slices through the skin on at my hip. I block several more bolts and in the same moment, redirect the spear through the belly of the man who is about to stab me in the back. It passes through him and impales itself into two more men, skewering them to a rock. 

I am forced to go hand to hand with a man who wields a laser-surrounded spear. Our blades spark off of one another’s as I bare down on him. A second man with the same weapon jumps in to assist his comrade. At the same time, I defend my back by flinging away any man who comes within range. A growl erupts from my throat as two more bolts lodge themselves in the back of my left shoulder. The shooter dies a moment later, carrying another man with him into a lava pit. 

I can feel it, my body is beginning to fail me, my strength ebbing. Another man has joined the first two in combat. With a grunt of effort, I increase the speed of my strokes and use the Force to trip one of the men. My blade lops off both his hands and he falls on his face. I don’t have a chance to finish him off because the two other men are already upon me. 

Another bolt finds my calf and I nearly trip. Summoning more strength from the Force, I fall into defensive position to preserve my energy. They push me back towards the cluster of remaining men who are still shooting at me. Another one attempts to dive in and stab me with his long metal knife, but I force his hand to shove the blade into his own chest, just below his collarbone. I only have strength now to deflect their shots while warding off the advances of the two men with spears. 

There are still several enemies standing. My mind whirls as it searches for a plan and my nerves scream with exhaustion and pain. I am panting. Sweat has glued my clothes to my body and beads of the stuff drip down my face and into my snarling mouth. I look into the eyes of my opponents. They are terrified. They should be; they’ve seen what I can do. Fear me, for I will be your end. 

Ducking under blows from both men, I fall to the ground. My fist connects with rock. The ground rumbles, trembles, rocks. My adversaries freeze. Then the earth cracks beneath us, the crust shattering like glass. Red-hot lava bubbles up through the cracks and begins to run across the surface. My adversaries jump back, and I roll onto solid ground. I have a moment to breathe while there’s distance between us. 

One man stumbles back into one of the lava pits and disappears below the surface with a gurgling scream. I use the Force to throw another headfirst into a rock. One of the men with the spears hits the ground when I freeze his body. I hold him there as the little stream of lava flowing from the cracks reaches him, and then swallows him whole.  
I make eye contact with the remaining man with the spear on the other side of the cracks. He considers me, terror peeling his eyes wide open, and then turns to sprint for his life. Time to finish this. 

My feet pound against the ground like the beating of a war drum. I jump the cracks and lava and pursue my prey. I snap the neck of the remaining man as I stalk by. The spear wielding man glances over his shoulder to see me closing the gap between us. My grin is a wild, terrible snarl. In his desperate haste to get away, the men trips. I hear a bone in his leg snap as he collapses. Tears dripping from his eyes, the pitiful creature turns to face me and begins to scoot backwards in one last, feeble attempt to escape. “You’re mine”, I growl. 

I stop in front of him, hovering above like the hulking shadow of death itself. “P-p-please”, he whimpers. My eyes never leave the man’s face as my hand shoots out to the side to yank a man into the air above us. The man who had lost his hands and had been attempting to crawl away, struggles in the air as an invisible hand crushes his windpipe. 

All is silence. The air still, almost peaceful. The only sound is the gasping of the man hanging in the air by his neck. I regard the face of the man who lies prostrate before me then call my saber to my palm and ignite it. I consider the weapon for a moment. “I could kill you with this lightsaber”, a pause, “but it’s too good for filth like you.” 

I glance up at the man dangling above us. “I could kill you with the Force”, my lips lift in a snarl, “but you aren’t worthy.” At my will the Force rips the man in half and flings away the pieces. 

The coward below me shudders and whimpers. He can’t even look me in the eye. 

I drop to one knee and wrap my blood-soaked fingers around his neck. “But I think my hands will work just as well. Do you know why I am going to kill you?”

“P-p-pp-pleas-se.”

“Because you killed someone who was everything to me. You, filthy, scum-sucking leach, are not worthy to look upon her face, let alone speak her name. She is the greatest person in the galaxy and the galaxy will cry for her, as will it thank me from removing you forever.” My grip tightens around his throat. 

“You killed the person who was everything to me. And now, I am going to take everything from you.” With last strength I have in my body, I close my fist around his neck and squeeze the life out of him. He struggles only a very little. I lock eyes with him, knowing I will be the last thing he sees. I grit my teeth and squeeze until the life leaves his eyes. 

I grip a handful of his hair, drag the corpse to a lava pit, and toss it in. 

Quivering and trembling, I force my body to move, to stumble down the path. Breath hitches. Eyes burn. Head pounds. Feet drag and trip. But I do not stop, not yet. I have only one more journey to make before I can find my rest at last. 

Bodies are scattered around the base of the flat-toped hill. I find more as I make my way up the side, struggling, sometimes on hand and knee. Tall, thin spires of rock form a circle at the top. The ground is thick with the dead. 

I recognize the familiar blue glow first.

At the edge of the raised rock ledge, I find the body of Poe Dameron. He lies on his stomach, arms stretched towards the center of the circle. I have no grief left to give him. 

The carnage is bathed in the blue glow of her, still lit, lightsaber. There she is, her back against one of the formations. Blood bathes the stones on which she lies. Rey.  
I fall to my knees beside her. Sobs rack my body as I reach trembling fingers to grasp her hand. I squeeze tears from my eyes as my body folds in on its self. “No, Rey…” I press my tearstained cheek to her palm. “No, please. Pleas-s-s-se.” 

This isn’t real. 

I crawl up behind her and gather her body in my arms. I can’t breathe around the sobs. I don’t want to. My hand quivers as I cup her cheek in my palm. This face, this beautiful face. I stroke her chin with a bloody thumb. No. “Noooo!” My body wretches a scream from my throat. I burry my face in her cheek and press my forehead to her forehead. 

When I pull back, run my eyes across her face. “Rey, please…” I kiss her eyelids. “Please, Rey. Come back to me. Come back to me. Please. I love you, Rey. Come back. I need you. Pleasssee.” I search her face for a sign. Maybe she’s only sleeping. She will wake in just a moment. 

She doesn’t. 

“Bring her back!” I shout, turning my face to the dark sky. “Bring her back.” For all we have done in the name of the Force, it owes us this. “You bring her back. You can. I know you can. Please.” I choke on my own tears. “I’ll do anything. Take me instead. I know it’s not a fair exchange, but please. Let me die. I’ll suffer whatever punishment I deserve, but please, for the sake of all that is just, bring her back!” 

The sky remains empty and silent. 

My head falls limply to rest against Rey’s. Our noses graze. I study her face, so close I can barely see it through my tears. “I love you, Rey.” I press my lips to the corner of her mouth. “I never could have ever loved anyone else. I will never love again.” I kiss her lips. I can’t stop. I kiss her desperately. Please come back. I’ll never let you go again. I won’t let anything stand between us. Rey. 

My face falls into the crook of her neck. Some song, maybe a lullaby, comes to me and I hum it as I rock her small, broken body. I lose track of time. No matter, I this is a good place to die. 

The caress of a hand on my shoulder. I startle awake and search Rey’s face, a thread of hope weaving up through my chest. But her face is still, cold to the touch, bathed in a silvery glow. My pulse stills. My gaze lifts. 

A luminous being, translucent and glowing, hovers above us. Her hair is long and flowing. Her gown is gossamer and silver silk. There is pain in her eyes. It is her. It is Rey. 

I gape up at her, disbelief slackening my features. This must be a dream. “Ben.” Her voice is very soft.

“Rey?” 

Her smile trembles. “It’s me. I’m here.” 

My eyebrows press together. “You’re….” I glance down at the still body in my arms. 

“I am one with the Force now. I am safe.” 

Tears spill from the rims of my eyes. “Come back to me.”

She presses her eyes closed in remorse. “Ben, you know that I can’t. That is not the way of things.”

“But, couldn’t there be an acceptation, for you. The galaxy needs you. I need you.” I know its selfish, but I don’t care. I need her more than I need breath and blood. 

“You have me.” She presses a palm to my chest, but I can’t feel her touch. “I gave you my heart, remember? It belongs to you.” 

I shake my head and clutch her body to my chest. I can’t. I cannot do this. I’m not strong enough. 

“Ben, listen to me. I will not allow you to give up. You need to leave me-.”

“No!” I snap. “I’ll never leave you.” 

“Yes. You need to leave me here. You are wounded. Go back to the falcon and tend to your wounds.” 

I grip her body tighter in my arms and look down at her empty face. 

“Ben.” She stoops to her knees before me. Extending a hand to the tip of my chin, she captures my eyes with her own. “I have to tell you something. I have to tell you about my son, my little boy. He’s not Poe’s. He is yours. He’s your son.”

I gape at her. 

“I became pregnant after the last time we were together before those five years seperation. I married Poe to cover up the fact that I’d been with you. I wanted to tell you, but I knew it would kill you to know you couldn’t be with us. I couldn’t do that to you. He’s your son. Ben, he looks just like you.” 

I’m- I’m a father. I have a son. I cannot even begin to process this. 

“He is here. He got away before the battle. There is a stone arch just beyond this hill. He will be waiting there for us.” 

I nod, still coming to terms with it in my head. 

“You must take care of him, Ben. He needs you.” 

With the gentlest of movements, I slide out from under her body and rest her against the stone. I gather myself take a few steps towards the edge of the hill, but stop. I turn around to see her still standing beside her body. “You’re not coming.” She somberly shakes her head. I cross the distance between us and fall to my knees at her feet. 

Warmth envelops me as she gathers my head into her arms. I close my eyes and let her light surround me. “I’m so tired, Rey. I don’t want to go on living a life without you.”  
“I know, my love. Not so much longer, and you’ll come to me. Then, at last, you will find your rest. I’ll be waiting for you.” 

I rise from the ground, filled with her strength, and march from that place. I don’t look back. 

Two pillars of stone, connected at the top, rise from the ground in a dark outline across the starry shy. It rests on a slab of stone, atop a slope of earth. I rush up the side, praying no harm has come to the boy in his time alone. I have just stepped between the pillars when I hear a familiar buzzing noise just behind my ear. A lightsaber. I freeze. “Don’t move!” A voice cuts through the silence, “Who are you?” 

I lift my hands to show that I’m unarmed and slowly turn to face the stranger. It’s a young boy, clad in blue and white robes and holding a lit lightsaber with a green beam and a black handle. He has long brown hair. He can’t be older than ten or eleven. And, when I look into his face, I see my own reflected back at me. Pale skin, dark eyes, large nose. This is my son. I cannot keep the tears from my eyes. 

“Who are you?” He says again, pointing the saber at my chest. He is trying to be brave, but there is fear in his eyes. He notices my tears and his brow creases. 

“I’m- I know you mother.” My voice breaks. His eyes search my face for a long moment, carefully considering. Then his saber retracts and his hand falls to his side. 

“I recognize you. My mother has a picture of you in her book. You’re much older, now, though.”

“Yes, that’s right.” I let out a choked laugh. “I suppose I am.” 

His gaze falls to my ripped and stained clothing, the blood on my hands and spatters on my face and neck. “Are you here to help my mother in the battle? Is it over now? Did we win?”

Face falling, I drop to one knee before him, chew my lip. I have never been prepared for something like this. 

His eyebrows furrow and he takes a hesitant step back. “What’s wrong? Where is my mother?”

“I must tell you something, and you’re going to have to be very brave.”

“No. I-. Where is-.” The boy shakes his head and tries to take another step back, but I catch his arm. 

“She didn’t make it… None of them did. Not Poe Dameron, or any of the enemy. I’m the only one.” 

Face contorting in pain, he reals back as if he’s been slapped. “No.” He tries to jerk away. “No. You’re wrong. I have to go. I have to find her.” Tears trickle from his eyes as a sob escapes his lips. “She promised she would come back.” 

“I know. I’m so sorry, son. But she’s gone. There’s nothing we can do.” I try to pull him close, but he shoves at me. Using the Force, he throws me backwards and starts to run in the direction of the hill. I’m back on my feet in an instant, racing after him. I must not let him see what lies at the top. 

Despite my injures, I catch him quickly and loop my arms around him from behind. I hold him to my chest. “Let go! I have to-! Let go of me!” He screams and struggles, but I will never let him go. I will never let anything happen to Rey’s son, to my son. 

He finally gives up and collapses against me, burying his face in his hands and weeping uncontrollably. Crying into his hair and whispering words of comfort, I hold him so tightly. Too tired to hold himself up, he turns in my arms and snakes both arms around my neck. The boy hides his face in my shoulder, letting the silent tears flow. 

Very carefully, I gather my son up into my arms and carry him back across the hardened surface of the planet. There is no urgency in my step and I am so very tired, so I walk slowly back to the place where the Falcon awaits. 

As I walk by, I pat her dusty, dented side. Hey there, my friend. Still have a few parsecs left in you? 

I settle the boy in the co-pilot seat and his head lolls against the worn leather. The engine rumbles to life and, for a moment, I close my eyes and let the familiar sound and smell of my old friend cradle me in a place of safety. 

Tomorrow I will tell this boy who I am. I will tell him the story of the chosen one who was born of the Force but fell to the dark side. I will tell him of the woman who married him and tried and failed to bring him back. I will tell him of the twins separated at birth and the scoundrel pilot who helped them save the galaxy. I will tell him of the father who saved his son and the son who saved his father. The scoundrel and the Princess, yes, I will tell him all about them. I will tell him of the child born to them and how he was stolen away. I will tell him about the Jedi woman who saved his life and his soul. 

Yes, tomorrow, he will learn who he is. But, for now, he rests peacefully, separated from the pain of this world. I press a weathered hand to the Falcon’s console. “Alright, old girl. Take us home.”

**Author's Note:**

> The head-cannon for this fic came to me when I thought, what if Ben ends up like Snape (from HP). Not being able to be with the woman he loves because of opposing factions and past wrongdoings, years later finding her after she'd been killed and vowing to avenge her death. 
> 
> But then it morphed into something more for me. It was hard to write and I cried, but this may be my favorite thing I've posted here. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who made it this far.


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